The F Word.

No, not the one you're thinking. FRIENDZONE. Yes. I was friendzoned. I've know this guy for a little over four months now. We have date nights during the week, every week. We spend virtually all of the weekend together. We go everywhere together. We've been seen out in public A LOT. When we're not together, we talk/text constantly. We *insert the real F word*. We are constantly in touch; and each is constantly aware of what the other is doing.

He was at mine over the weekend (the kids have been spending a lot of time at grandma's). He spent the entire weekend with me. Friday evening until he went to work on Monday morning. On Saturday, we attended a wedding together. We ran into a few of his friends, and a few of mine. It was a great time. We were inseparable. I actually left him to go do his thing with his friends, but he didn't leave my side all night. So as far as anyone is concerned, we are an item.

Therefore, imagine my shock when he told me someone was asking about me and he told them 'his FRIEND was fine'. Like he had to stress that. I thought about t for a second, but told myself it was nothing. Then, the next day, he used the F word again. We were talking on the phone, and he went 'my friend my friend, you are too too funny'. At that point I wanted to say something. But I had to let it digest first.

After thinking about it for a few hours, I only have myself to blame. Why?

• He never said he was my boyfriend. We never had 'the talk' to make it official. And I've heard and read over and over in lagos that you DO NOT assume a guy is yours until he looks you in the eyes and says he is. 
• We went out together a lot, but he never took me to certain places. I guess those are the places that counted. The places where his friends proper would be. 
• In person, he'd express himself 100%. We talked about every and anything under the sun. He expressed emotions. However, when I tried to express emotions on bbm, he never reciprocated.  He always changed the topic. 
• I made myself too available to him from the beginning. I guess there are benefits to fronting and giving guys a hard time. 

Without further ado, I changed his name on my phone to 'do not pick'. I don't even want to have the conversation with him because I'm already embarrassed as it stands. So I'll just ignore him and move on like it never happened. It just sucks that I actually saw a future with him. But I won't even play the victim or say he used me or anything like that. I'll just learn my lesson (and hope that you do too). This will never happen to me again. 

F.O.

We be all night...

I knew KO's kisses would get me in trouble. I just knew it. The next time we met up, we did drinks. I had three glasses of rosé and that was it. I wasn't drunk. But I wasn't as uptight as I usually am. Yes, even I know I can be very uptight. He insisted he wouldn't let me drive home by myself in that condition, so he asked me to come over to his for a little while since we were on his street. I knew Laje would be in bed already anyways, since it was already 11pm, so there was no reason to rush home.

When we got to his, I couldn't help but notice how stunning the decor was. He definitely paid a lot of attention to detail in setting the place up. Or he paid the right person. Whatever the case, he has very good taste. We settled down side by side on the three-seater, and he offered me some water. One minute I was drinking a glass of water, the next minute our lips were interlocked. It was that kiss of life, again. Why, oh why, has no one ever told me how amazing kisses can be? I avoided kissing in my past relationships because they always sucked. KO's kisses sucked the life out of me; literally.

One thing led to another, and we ended up in his bedroom. Even in the heat of things, I still took time to notice how amazing the set up was. He must have spent a lot of time (and money) putting the entire place together. I'm rarely ever wowed by interior design in Nigeria, but this bachelor pad was everything and more! I'm usually very careful (and uncomfortable) when it comes to sex. But sex with KO was the most natural and comfortable experience. You know the song by Az Yet, 'I saw the sun, the moon, the mountain and the rivers... I saw heaven when I made sweet love to you'. That sums it up. He did things to me I never thought possible. I felt passion in parts of my body I didn't think could feel anything. He was amazing. KO. He literally knocked me out.

It was 5am when I finally made it back home. I saw the judgement on my maid's face, and was a little embarrassed. But I was very happy. I took a very brief nap, and it was time to get Laje to school.

KO. Oh my KO.

My next date with KO was a spa date. Yes, randomly in the middle of the week he reached out to me and asked if I was interested in getting a massage. Who wouldn't jump on such an offer? I was already in bed (lazy day), but I jumped right out and headed to Four Points. Does it count as a date though, since we got massages in separate rooms? I don't know.

Anyway, the first time I met him, he was wearing a suit. I knew he was kind of big, but I just thought it was fat (lol). The second time we hung out, he was wearing a white traditional kaftan (and looked so damn good in it). So imagine my surprise, when he walked into the Four Points lobby in a t-shirt and jogging pants, and each of his arms was the size of my thighs (okay, exaggeration). But he's like soooo fit! In fact, I started feeling a little self conscious, with the little pouch I carry around in my lower tummy. *Note to self: Enroll in a gym and get a personal trainer*.  Just staring at him made me a little shy, and if I were white he would have seen me turn pink; thanks to the naughty thoughts that ran through my head.

The massage was good, I really needed it. And then I showered and met him back at the lobby. He then asked if I wanted to grab a bite. And even though I wasn't hungry, I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to spend more time with him. So I said yes. And that's how we spent another two hours together. So get this - he started asking about my kids. Like he's actually interested and he paid attention to every little detail.

He walked me out to the parking lot, and then we got in my car together. We talked some more, and then he hugged me goodbye. And just before he got out of the passenger seat, he leaned in and gave me the best kiss of my life!!!

SERIOUSLY. I now get why people get so crazy about kisses. I've always wondered what the big deal was about kissing, but now I get it. Everytime I think about that kiss, there's this feeling I cannot describe deep down inside. Omg. What is this feeling? He did things to my with his tongue I can't even explain. Help! How could a kiss, a simple kiss, leave me feeling like this?

KO continued.

By the time I got home, showered, and got in bed after the wedding, KO had called me 3 times. Or well, it was a number I didn't know, but I knew it had to be him. For one, it was quite late at night. And I don't get random calls at that time of night. I called him back once I was comfortably in bed and we talked very easily until sunrise. I couldn't believe it when I saw the first rays of morning peek through my blinds. He was (and still is) so easy to talk to. We talked about everything. Our backgrounds, growing up, education, work history, dating history. BUT. I skipped my marriage. And the kids. Technically, and by law (and the Church) I've actually never been married. All I had was one flimsy ceremony in my parents' living room. But I digress. He told me all about his business, his expansion plans, and even his humble beginnings (in the business). By the time I got off the phone, the help was up. I gave her instructions to give Laje breakfast and to make sure she didn't wake me up. Then I went to sleep and spent most of Sunday in bed.

Finally, around 3pm I woke up. But it was a different waking up. I hadn't woken up that happy in probably 2 years. Something was bubbling from within me, and I think even Laje (my 6 year old) noticed.
Laje: Mummy, did you eat too much sugar?
Me: HUH? What do you mean?
Laje: Everytime I'm excited and I sing or hop around, you ask me if I ate too much sugar?
Me: Oh. Yes my darling. I had a lot of sugar last night. But I didn't eat it.
Laje: How come it's affecting you if you didn't eat it? What did you do with it?
Me: *At this point realizing I should have just told her I ate it* - Err, I talked to it? (Even I knew that was stupid)
Laje: Mummy you can't talk to sugar, that's food!
Me: Yes my darling, you're right. Anyway, have you done your homework? Let me have a look at it.
Laje: I don't have any homework
Me: Laje! How would you not have any homework on a weekend???
Laje: Okay okay, can you help me do it now?
Me: Go get it and set it up on the table. Let me grab a quick bite.

By the time I was done with Laje's homework, I checked my phone and noticed KO hadn't called or messaged. It was now 5pm or thereabout. Being my usual panicky self, I started thinking of the worst. Had he done some research and found out about my past? Did I say something wrong on the phone? What could have gone wrong? Why hadn't he called? Then I took a bold step, and decided to call him. No answer. That just heightened my panic. And as I always do when I'm about to have a panic attack, I got in bed and buried myself under the covers. All sorts ran through my mind, and I must have fallen asleep.

I was startled by my phone ringing (probably around 7pm), and it was him. KO. I panicked a bit. Then realized it was probably a good idea to just answer.

KO: Hey Fela! How are you? How did you wake up so early? We didn't go to bed before 7am!
Me: Ah ah! 7am to 3pm, that's 8 hours! That's more than enough sleep for any normal person now!
KO: But it wasn't a normal night! Do you know how much you danced last night? You shouldn't be able to walk today, haha.
Me: How do you know how much I danced? You weren't even on the dance floor.
KO: Oh no, I wasn't. But I was somewhere in the hall. Watching your every move. You're such an amazing dancer sha. Like all the other girls were doing the most, trying to be noticed. And you were just there doing your thing, looking so sexy without even trying to or realizing it!
Me: All na wash jare!
KO: You don't believe me? Then how did I meet you at the door right as you were leaving? I was watching you all night. To be honest, I needed to rest my feet because it's been crazy for me since the engagement on Thursday. But once the wedding was officially over, I knew I had to get some rest so I wouldn't pass out. So I got a seat in a corner, and just watched you. It was one hell of a show!
Me: You just know how to constantly keep a girl blushing, don't you?
KO: Anyway, what are you up to tonight? Can we grab a quick drink? You live in Ikoyi yea? I can pick you up in 30 minutes?
Me: Sounds great. I better hop in the shower.
KO: I better make that an hour then. This one you're just about to shower; you women and your serenre
Me: Trust me, I have no interest in serenre. I'm a very simple girl, you'll see. 30 minutes will do.
KO: Ok. Text me your address. See you soon.

By 8pm, we were at this quaint bar in Ikoyi. I've lived in Ikoyi all my life, and I never knew it existed. The ambience was very nice...romantic. The crowd was very different; not your usual Lagos crowd. He must have good taste, I thought. We sat in a corner, secluded from everyone else, but able to see the entire bar clearly.

KO: Mystery Woman. Just yesterday I was staring at you from a distance. I was instantly drawn to you. But I didn't know if it was a good idea to talk to you. You know how Lagos girls can be.
Me: Well, I'm glad you did. Before we go any further though, I have to ask. Are you single? Like fully, 100% single?
KO: Sounds like someone's been burned!
Me: Yea, well, I had a really bad experience once. So basically, is there any girl out there that can claim she's currently having something with you? No matter how insignificant?
KO: Nope. My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. I promised myself I was going to take it easy for a while. But you had to come and ruin that eh, Mystery Woman?
Me: What happened?
KO: That's a very long story for another day. Now, I should ask as well. Are you fully, 100% single?
Me: Yes.
KO: How's someone as beautiful as you single? Abi you're one of the crazy ones?
Me: Not crazy. But it's a very long story.
KO: Well, I'm in no hurry. Tell me.
Me: I'm divorced. Not technically divorced, because I was never officially married. But I was someone's 7th wife. And I have 2 kids with him. And I perfectly understand that our date is probably over now. I don't even know what I was thinking. I can never have a normal life again.
KO: That's all?
Me: *Blank stare*
KO: Ok, I'll be honest. It's a lot. But it's not the end of the world. I still like you. And I'd still love to get to know you. I appreciate your honesty, and based on the few hours of conversation we've had, I have a feeling we're going to get along very well. Again, it's a lot. But I care more about here and now; about the future, than I do about the past.
Me: *Dumbfounded*
KO: Back to deaf and dumb?

And then I burst out laughing. That was the perfect icebreaker. We hung out for about 2 hours, and then he dropped me back at home and like a gentleman, gave me a kiss on my cheek.

Change is here! That's what we were all chanting a few months ago, ba? Change has also come to my life. I've been AWOL for many reasons. The summary is this. I'm in my 30s. I have 2 kids. I was 'married' to a man that I couldn't live with (yes, I said was). And now we've decided to part ways. Some of my friends haven't even gotten married the first time. And I'm already looking for my second marriage. Okay, maybe I'm not looking to get married. After my ex and I decided to call it quits, I promised myself a year of aloneness and celibacy. I lasted only three months. Not because I wasn't strong enough, but because I met a guy I thought was worth giving it all up for. He brought a lot of sunshine into my otherwise dark world. I might someday tell you the story of why I left my ex (or maybe he left me). But for now, I'd like to focus on the happy part, aka the new man.

Let's call him KO! I call him KO (as in knock out) because of what he does to me every time I get in bed with him. But also because it's his initials (please don't try to guess who it is). I met KO at a wedding. Weddings are apparently a really good place to meet guys; just FYI. Anyways, I was sat at a table alone (because my friend went to the bathroom) when he slid into her seat and asked what my name was. I refused to say, and just smiled at him. He asked again, "What's your name? I'm KO." Still, I sat there smiling. But he didn't give up. I think at some point, he thought I was deaf and dumb? Because he brought out his phone, opened the  note pad app, and proceeded to type on there, "I'm KO, what's your name?". When he handed the phone to me and I saw what he'd typed, I actually burst out laughing. And then I said to him, "You think I'm deaf and dumb?", to which he replied "My bad, you just kept smiling at me and the expression on your face never changed."

We laughed about it all, and that's how we got talking. But I still didn't tell him my name. He asked if I wanted to take a walk outside, and I was more than happy to get some fresh air. You know Lagos weddings can be a bit much. So I waited for my friend to return from the bathroom, and off I went with KO. We walked into the parking lot, and then he asked if I wanted to go into his car and talk there. We did, and that's when he said, "You still haven't told me your name, mystery woman." Something about him calling me 'mystery woman' tickled me. So I responded, "Why don't you just call me mystery woman?"

KO: So, Mystery Woman, what or who brought you to this wedding today?
Me: I have no idea why I'm  here. I really didn't want to come. But my friend refused to go alone. So I guess I came here as a wingman. Why are you here?
KO: The groom is my brother.
Me: Oh. Wow. Now that you say it, I see the resemblance. So why are we out here? You should be in there!!!!
KO: Nah, it's cool. I've been in there all day. Even in the morning, before any guests came. I need this break. And who better to spend these few minutes of calm and quiet with than the most beautiful girl at the party.
Me: Oh here we go. That's about the worst lie ever!
KO: I mean it. I see all the flashily clad women in there with all the layers of make up. And I won't lie. There are many hot babes in there. But you're the only one that caught my eye. And you caught my eye as soon as you walked in. You walked in with your friend, and I saw you hug some guy in a navy suit. My heart almost broke when you hugged him. I kept thinking 'Please don't sit with him. Please don't be his girlfriend.' Imagine my joy when you hugged him and kept moving. And then I kept waiting for the perfect time to talk to you. I kept waiting for you to be alone. And when your friend went to the bathroom, I knew that was my chance.
Me:.....silence.....
KO: Wait. Are you shy?
Me:....silence......
KO: Do you see why I thought you were deaf and dumb?

And then I burst out laughing. I'm not sure why the deaf and dumb thing gets me everytime. And even until now, it still serves as a good joke in certain situations.

KO: So what do you do, Mystery Lady?
Me: I'm in the process of setting up a travel business.
KO: Oh? A travel agency?
Me: Yes. But not in the regular naija sense where all they do is sell you tickets. It's going to be a full service agency, crafting entire holidays, cruises, and all that good stuff.
KO: Interesting. Beauty and brains.
Me: Thanks! So, what do you do?
KO: I have a haulage business.
Me: Oh? Sand, gravel, and all that stuff?
KO: No, oil & gas. Diesel really.
Me: That's cool. Oil  & gas big boy things!
KO: Yea right. Me I'm a hustler o. No where near big boy. That's the dream sha. To be a Lagos big boy.
Me: Not sure how I feel about Lagos big boys
KO: Don't worry. I'm nothing like those boys. I better ask right away, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nope. (I sighed a sigh of relief; that he didn't ask if I had kids.)
KO: You're very beautiful, mystery woman.
Me: ....silence....
KO: Ah ah! What is it with you and your deaf and dumb, on & off?
Me: You asked if I was shy. I'm very shy. And I never know how to react or respond when I get a compliment.
KO: A simple 'Thank you', perhaps?
Me: Okay. Thank you.
KO: And your body is amazing. I know you tried to hide it in that loose dress. But I can see.
Me: Thank you. And guilty as charged, the dress is supposed to hide everything.
KO: Why would you want to drown your body in such a loose dress? If you've got it, flaunt it, no?
Me: I'm not really in a flaunting mood.
KO: Hmm. Okay o. Are you ready to go back in?
Me: Sure. I should go keep my friend company. Although I'm sure she would have found some friends to chill with.

And then he did a strange thing. He held my hand as we walked back out of the parking lot and into the hall. He walked me to my seat, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Don't leave without saying goodbye.' I tried to talk some sense into my own head. I reminded myself of my one year aloneness and celibacy plan. So I decided that even if he came back to me, I wouldn't let him take it any further.

The rest of the wedding was fun. In fact, it's probably the most fun I've ever had at a wedding. We were there until 2am! It pretty much turned into a club. The DJ was so amazing we danced for three hours straight without catching a break. I kept looking for KO on the dance floor, but I never saw him. I figured he was an oniranu that had probably taken another girl into his car to talk. I decided to 'face my front', since I didn't want to get into anything with any guy anyways.

As we were exiting the hall a few minutes past 2am, someone grabbed my waist from behind. I turned around, ready to slap whoever it was. And then I saw it was KO. We locked eyes for a few seconds, and my heart jumped. I promise you, I felt something I've never felt. I can't say it was love at first sight, because I don't believe in that. However, it was something at first sight. I let him leave his had on the small of my back, and he walked us to the car. When we got to the car, he asked for my number, and I gave it to him. He insisted on calling my phone, to be sure I gave him the right number. And then he asked, how do I store your number without a name? That's when I told him my name was Fela O.

To be continued...

You Lagos bitches aren’t taking it easy anymore. OMG! What I saw last weekend??? I quit!

It was my neighbor’s 40th birthday, and he invited me over for a ‘come-chop’. He’s also my older brother’s friend, so my brother was at the party as well. We were all hanging out on the balcony (nd boy, was there excess booze??) when this babe (no clue who she was) walked up to my brother. In front of all of us, she said to him, “You look like my ex-boyfriend. But a much finer version of him."  I was like…wow…no chill. Blank stare. Everyone of us on the balcony basically froze for a minute, no reaction. Then we went on like nothing happened.

Fast forward to an hour later, everyone was all drunk (or at least tipsy). I walked into the guest room to take a phone call because of all the noise in the living room and what did I see? This bitch was on her knees giving my (married) brother a blow job. I sincerely wish I never saw it because I can’t seem to delete the picture from my memory.

What’s worse? The babe later came around to introduce us to some ugly scrawny looking man that came quite late to the party as her husband.

I quit.

Beware of bastard friends. As if the one in my last post wasn't enough, I've had to break up with another friend. This girl, Lola and I were friends for most of Uni. I met her on the same day I met my ex; the only serious relationship I had in Uni; which lasted 3 years. It was one of those club parties, and I had gone with another friend. I met the ex, Tony and we instantly kicked it off. That same night, Tony's friend had come to the party with Lola.


At the end of the night, Tony offered to drop me off [I didn't drive; as I went with my friend but she decided to leave the party early while I was having way too much fun with Tony]. His friend then asked if he could drop Lola off as well, since Lola lived just two streets from Tony. Obviously, they dropped me off first. And then he went to drop Lola. I kept calling that night to find out if he ever made it back in one piece, but he never answered until the next morning. He said he fell asleep.


Tony and I eventually bloomed into a full, overly intimate relationship and I definitely felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. But then, him and Lola used to talk a lot. I remember jokingly asking him why he was talking to much to his friend's babe just from dropping her at home one night. Then this Lola babe started sending him  cryptic facebook messages. I didn't think too much of it. As he said, she's just one of those crazy girls.


One year into our relationship however, me and Lola's paths would cross again and we soon became buddies. Since then, we've been very good friends. She was even one of the names on my list of Bridesmaids, were I to ever have a regular wedding. I didn't. But you obviously already know why. My wedding took place in my parents' living room. Lol.


Now, Tony adds me on instagram these many years later and asks for my number, that we should catch up. I can't lie. He was the one great love of my life. And there's no excitement in my life these days, so I decided to catch up with him. That's how he started this whole story about wanting a fresh slate upon which to build a friendship. He now started coming clean about how he'd wronged me while we were dating and he confessed that he and Lola had apparently been having something for the entire duration of our relationship.


Imagine that? My advise sha, is to keep your lover and your friends very far apart. Yes, you trust your friends. But abeg, don't test them. Just keep them all far apart. I don't know how anyone would open their legs for their friend's man.


But then again, maybe I do. Story for another day.

See me see wahala oh. Sometimes, it really isn't good to help people. My own friend, a girl I consider my sister, a girl I once gave up a trip abroad for; so that we could pay her school fees, is now claiming that my husband...my own husband...my own Gbenga...tried to toast her. Like what rubbish is that? How disrespectful is that? If Gbenga hears this now, he'll say he's been telling me to cut the stupid little bitch off. But do I ever listen? No.

Nene. Bastard little girl. She said her office sent her to Gbenga's office on some business. Of course he recognized her as my friend and invited her into his office after the meeting. She said he gave her money for lunch; well duh! What else would he do? He really takes on an almost fatherly role when it comes to my friends. The idiot now claims that as she was leaving his office, he asked what she was doing later that day and wanted to know if she could meet him at Sheraton. She supposedly told him she didn't think that'd be appropriate, and he proceeded to tell her that it wasn't a big deal. She said my own husband told her there was more than enough of him to go around.

IMAGINE! What kind of daft person is this? This story is obviously FABRICATED. I don't even know what to call it. Beef? It's really not good to tell your friends too much about how good your husband is to you. This is the kind of shit they try when they know what they're missing. My best guess is that she tried to flirt with him and he shut her down, and she's now telling foolish lies to drive a wedge between by husband and I. UGH!

Anyway. Step one was to unfriend her. Yes. I told her it's officially over between me and her. And we can never ever be friends again. I've also warned her that there will be dire consequences if I ever see her go near my husband again; work or not.

Trifling little whore.